Humbly at your service

Here I sit, first moonday of 2012 and I can't help but think back to last week. Wednesday, to be exact, the morning I crawled onto my mat tired and the day began. I made the drive to work, angry and stayed in that state all day. Angry, tired and propped up my Monster energy drink, hoping for the end to come.

Thursday I woke, happy and well rested and the Friday came. I was tired, but could tolerate the day, but my practice suffered and I made it short. Saturday was the day I slept in, woke at noon and ran off to the movies.

I was anxious to get back to the mat, but moonday=no Ashtanga practice. I tink I've been going thru this struggle, walking the line of light and dark. I'm trying to remember...I think it's in the sutras that there is no dark or light, only grey. This is a common theme in spellwork...it comes down to taking responsibility for your actions. I won't ramble on about the various parallels in the belief systems. I will say, kindness begets kindness, maybe not instantly, it ce be like a timebomb sometimes.

Today, slept in, no reason to wake early, it just made sense for a Monday moonday. At work, the seat and group move I had been told of came early. No matter who I am asked to work with I change according to the people in the groupe. I'll say this once, I am a highly effective multitasker, able to sneak in glances at Yahoo without missing a beat. There I sat, handling the tasks at hand with ease. One by one, people from my old group and former cubicle neighbors came by to check in. It was like I had the building or department, if they had brought flowers as if they were mourning their loss, it would be little surprise. Comments like "Great, now I'll bascially be working alone" and others volunteering someone else in trade.

How humble can you feel which such sentiment as the above interactions? A year ago I may have let it go to my head, now I appreciate it humbly. I have my sights on the future, on the possiblities. The things that I might accomplish in the life time.

There is a hymn in the Rig Veda, titled Frogs, which compares frogs and Brahmins. There is a idea that this is a satire, but I would disagree at the symbolizism. Frog totems are a symbol of rebirth and creation, which seems a more fitting comparison. The speaks of how the frogs croak at the first rain of the year and the Brahmin come out with their bowls or soma. This cycle of life, every year in the northern parts of the world, we die or go into a hybernation. Spring comes, brings new life and the first rains and we are all out experiencing the world, as if it were a new life.

First practice of the new year, after three days without practice, I was stiff. It's a bit boring to write about, but getting up early has really helped me work on Sury B. This mornign I felt like I was chewed up, and awake until I got to work and the energy wore down.

On the drive to work I did have the pressure in my ears, I still don't get it. It is like the pressure when you fly in a plane, so not quite sure why.... I smelled a coworkers cinnamon bagel, it was across the room behind me. It was so string I had to go see where it was coming from, she was surprised I could smell it (it was still wrapped up in the bag).

Here I am in, just halfway thru the second week of getting up at 5am, to get time to practice. I am very glad that I have made that choice, although I was physically tired this morning.I adjusted where my hand placement moving into dwei so when I move to the next posture, i am in proper position. I've been a little sore from that, but nothing compared to the first month at the beginning.

Physical changes, along with the turn towards a vegetarian diet, this morning I weighed myself and have lost a couple more pounds. i try not to focus on any time of weight loss, that can be very consuming and trap for the ego. I have another zit growing on my nose, which is a bit of a good sign. Of course if you dread acne, you wouldn't think so, but if you have a Ashtanga practice you could probably accept it.

In the last week and a half I have had some Monster energy drinks in the mornings. I'm trying to cut those out, but I can feel the energy from the practice dissipate on the drive to work. It hasn't been every day either and I hope to cut these out completely. On my day off I got a Cappacino Blast, took a couple sips, then wondered why I had gotten it. Now this is strange, because I used to love these, until recently. In a way, it is like my choice to eat certain foods and cut others out. I have no desire to drink any alcohol, partly because I know my body( due to my practice) will purge it. My hearing as gotten more acute too, as just a short note.

During time with family I had comments to conversations come up, but before I could say anything, another family member said the exact words on my tongue. They weren't close, they were exact and it happened at least three times that I can remember.

As I approach my one year mark of my Ashtanga practice, I am almost able to complete all cycles of Sury B. It's exciting, I'll say it could be a couple months before I'm there and there's no hurry.

Dimmed and refueled

It would be obvious to the casual observer, to say I haven't posted here recently. It isn't for the lack of practicing though. After my last post, around then at least, I had computer trouble. Blog went silent, even when I got it back I wasn't quite focused.

Before the disruption, one of the things I experienced, was pressure on both ears, almost as if my body was sensing the change in atmospheric pressure. Then my practice slowed to a couple days a week, until it grinded to a halt. I got distracted by Crossfit, thought I might do both--Ashtanga and Crossfit. Hmmm, seems a bit silly now, not a swipe at Crossfit if that's what you enjoy. Then I stopped any physical activity, besides walking to my car, for about a month. I wasn't eating healthy and drank more beer than I had ina while. Then I slowly began to find my back to the mat and changed the diet again.

As of this night, I have made quite a commitment to my practice. No alcohol, diet that is 99%vegetarian and a wakeup time (as of this week) that gives me enough time to work my way into Sury B.

A couple of technical things; I'm trying out a new mat from Gaiam with no thirsty towel. I'm working out how to get from downward dog to the lunge. I read a few things on online, that I'm trying to use.

As far as experiences I believe are a result of my practice, I wish I had kept notes. Did have one of my ears with the pressure change last week. Now that I'm sitting here recalling this, I remember one other thing. There was a day I had such a strong tickling sensation along the back of my neck intermittantly. It was so strong that my body would shudder in pleasure every time.
With the advent of going deeper into the practice, I have been enveloped even more into this peace. It's like I don't see a need to speak, because nothing I could possibly say matters.

So, where does this find me? A bit lost, but serene. Do I still define myself as pagan? Or maybe I should decide what flavor of pagan I am...if I need to define myself by such things anyway. I think I'll be purging more stuff to declutter. I am at a place where if I was in a shack, able to stay warm and eat, and practice six days a week, I'd be content.

I am focused, not obsessed, with no desire to try and bend the universe with my will. I can't see the lines like I used to, everything has merged. Goodness and prosperity will come to me because of how I approach life...that sums up where my head is at right now.

Just got finished with my morning practice, finished fairly strong. I have started supporting myself in Chatwari, instead of resting on my belly. It isn't a struggle either, chatwari feels strong, especially moving into upward dog.

Challenges for the week, were gettig sick Wednesday morning and dealing with coworkers. I left work yesterday so pissed off. I am looking over my options for the future, because i don't see much changing there...just me leaving. I only mention this, because i have been able to leave these distractions off the mat and focus. I don't carry anger around with me, didn't before, but now i let it go and move forward even easier.

Moon Day falls on Sunday, so i won't miss any practice days, yeah!

Last week was so odd, not just for the couple days I practiced, but for life. I was on vacation, but found little direction, piddling around and ot feeling like doing much. Went to the Zoo, the movies, drove around and sat around the house.

I have been successful on an almost entirely meatless menu for the last two weeks. Had a bowl of my favorite Lobster Bisque, not sure I can give that up. At the movies, I had a chili cheese dog, but thenn saw they have veggie burgers...shoot!.

I got my self through Sury A this morning, then tackled the drive to the new office, UGH! Hate the drive and I need to get going in the morning, might have to readjust times. Or I may have to get to bed earlier to get sleep, get up and get on the mat. It makes me think more about working closer to home or making other changes. 'd love to live and work somwhere i could bike or walk to work. Especially after today, being completely un-motivated. doing enough to be productive...even missing a few calls on purpose.

I've taken te last two days off from practice, to rest. I had not given myself time to sleep and used alot of energy up. I know I'll be back to it tomorrow, because i can feel that fire growing inside. I miss it, even on days when I know my body is tired, I think about coming home after being out and getting on the mat. Being tired, I believe is partly diet, which i have been working on...but not the sole reason.

I was at a wedding this weekend and wanted to relay something funny. I had told my Mom about my practice, but when i hugged her and the bride, to leave the reception, Mom squeezed my bicep, then the Bride followed. "That's the yoga." I told them. It really didn't hit me until today, at the movies. I had noticed alot of definition and increased muscles in my forearms and upper chest, etc. The shirt I had on today, ahs very short sleeves, so when I was washing my hands in the bathroom, at the theatre, I noticed my upper arms. I have to say, how easy it is to admire the definition of bicep and tricep.